The practice of self compassion is seen as an important part of recovery and behaviour change in the therapeutic world. Of all the practices though, I have found self compassion comes with the most met resistance (from myself included).
Self Compassion has been developed by Kristen Neff and she has done primarily the most research in this area and it involves how we relate to ourselves in three areas – being kind to oneself, common humanity, and mindfulness (instead of over identification or avoidance with one’s circumstances, thoughts and feelings).
I have found people get put off by self compassion because they are worried they will be letting themselves off the hook, they feel like they fail at this because they cannot control their thoughts and replace them with kind ones and they do not feel compassionate toward themselves all the time, so it just feels fake. This is why I want to talk about how we can shift our perspective from practicing self compassion from a more cognitive or felt state and more from an action taking perspective.
In recovery, or behaviour change, self compassion is really about choosing the thing that is going to be more beneficial for you in the long term vs what is going to make you feel better in the moment and doing the action toward your more well self, even if your mind is being critical, judgemental, and enticing you to take the easier route in the moment. A question we can ask ourselves in these hard moments is what action supports me, my values, and where I want to go in the long term? As opposed to what can I do in this moment to make me feel better right now? Which is what keeps us hooked in the cycle.
When we are answering the first question, this is where we are practicing true self compassion.
Going back to Kristen Neff’s component of self kindness over self judgement, this could include replacing the critical self talk with how you might speak to a friend going through something similar, but it also means doing the thing that feels hard in the moment, but protects you in the long term. For example, if someone was trying to recover from anorexia, their eating disorder thoughts would be having lots to say as they try to increase their calorie intake or change their safety patterns and the self compassionate action would be for them to continue with their meal plan, even if it is uncomfortable and even if their Eating Disorder is saying things that increase the urge to go back to restricting.
The compassionate thought could be “I deserve to eat” and the compassionate action is : eating the meal.
What can also hijack recovery when it comes to self compassion is how the (insert maladaptive coping here) co-opts self compassion for its own benefit, it can twist it around. An example of this could be lets say social anxiety is the challenge and the person is wanting to increase their capacity to be in social situations. The person is all set to engage in some social event, their anxiety begins to rise, their mind starts to catastrophise, then the person starts thinking about how much more anxiety they are going to feel and then how much shame they are going to feel after the event so the belief is that the most compassionate thing to do is to just stay home, avoid all of that discomfort and it take it easy on ourselves.This is avoidance masquerading as self compassion.
The trap we can all get in around self compassion is that we wait until we no longer have the internal criticism or feel better to take action, but in taking action toward our long term mental and/or physical health, no matter what our mind might be saying or the urges we have, that is what is going to allow inhibitory learning to occur and self trust and confidence can really develop.
In an ideal situation, we have both the self compassionate talk and the behaviour, but when it comes to behaviour change, working on the self compassionate behaviour is more crucial and will inevitably lead to more ability to have a friendly relationship with yourself because you are making choices based on your values instead of old impulses you no longer want to follow.
Ultimately, shifting our focus from how we feel to what we do transforms self-compassion from an elusive state into a tangible practice. By consistently choosing actions that align with our long-term health and values—even amidst discomfort or critical internal monologue—we stop waiting for permission to feel better and start building the foundation for genuine self-trust. Over time, these small, consistent steps don’t just change our behaviour; they redefine our relationship with ourselves, proving that the most compassionate thing we can do is often the very thing our mind tells us is the hardest.
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